Before the holidays I had been feeling a bit off.
Like I just wasn't all that good at this mothering stuff. Like I would be better off going back to work. Like I was boxed into this space in my house in my neighborhood in my life.
Like my time and my life were not my own. Like everyone had it just a bit better. Like the grass was definitely greener on the other side.
Needless to say I was not happy.
And an opportunity came up to go back to work full time. There was an opening for a position that I thought I could do and do well in.
I wanted it.
I talked to John about it and after going round and round, I realized that it wasn't the job I wanted but the time. Time to myself. Time out of the house without a toddler.
The freedom to make hair appointments and dentist appointments with out calling upon my in laws to watch Jackson. The freedom to feel like a small bit of time was my own.
And John understood.
I needed balance that was so sorely lost, when I lost my job sharing position.
So we decided to put Jack in nursery school two mornings a week.
I picked a place where I feel comfortable and where Jack is comfortable. A place that when I write the check my stomach doesn't lurch.
I was nervous and anxious and on the verge of backing out. All weekend I made excuses as to why Monday wasn't a good day for him to start (the slight cough he had, the fact that we had just gotten back from vacation, that Monday was just so soon)
But This past Monday we packed Jackson's little back pack up and I dropped him off for his first day of nursery school, because I knew it was best for both of us.
And as I pulled away from the school I glanced at the empty car seat and felt a knot start to form in my throat.
It was the first time I had left my son with people other than family and friends. It was a little milestone come and gone in a few moments.
So I went food shopping. I wandered through Shop Rite muttering to myself that we needed hot dogs and not to forget rolls. And there was no little boy in the shopping cart, no one smiling at me and babbling along about Mickey balloons.
I picked him up 2 and 1/2 hours later. And his teacher and the director both said he did great.
He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay and play. He wanted to go back and say bye to his friends.
He said, "Mama I saw friends" and his smile matched his words.
He talked the whole way home about how he rang bells and did exercises and painted.
And the knot in my throat disappeared. This is good for us, both of us.